The But Prayer

The But Prayer

Life
Lord I am frustrated that I haven’t gotten a job yet.
But I thank you that we are in the position that it does not break our little family.
I am lonely out here in this new town.
But I thank you that I am blessed with a man that I love so much that I would follow him even to where I am lonely.
Lord…. I am sick and tired of wedding planning! I don’t like the process and I’m not excited for the wedding.
But I thank you for the blessing of this man. This companion that I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with.
Oh, and Lord- I get mad when we argue.
But I am so thankful that we can communicate. And that although we differ here and there in habits or opinion- those differences are mere shadows to the love and compassion we share.
Lord- I don’t like this new town we have moved to- it doesn’t feel like home.
But I want to thank you for the beautiful place you blessed me with growing up. And I have faith you will show me local beauties as I grow in this new town and life.
And Lord, I miss my family so much it breaks my heart.
But I am thankful that even though they are far away- you’ve blessed me with a family that I love so much.
Lord I am sad and afraid because of my Grandfather’s failing health.
But I am blessed to have known such a great man. And we are blessed for the long life he has enjoyed.

Back to Cali

I spent two weeks back home in Wisconsin for the holidays. So nice to be near family and friends. The downside is- coming back to California. I know I'm not supposed to feel so horrible about coming back here but... most of the time it feels like the only thing I have here is my fiance. He on the other hand has a great job. One that he loves. At this great job he meets great people and feels challenged and useful every day. He makes an income and he enjoys the town because he's found his place. My place on the other hand is at home holed up in our apartment.
To top things off- surprisingly enough- EVERYTHING costs money. Like.... everything. I could take a class- but it costs money. I could join a group- but they cost money. I could go up to Sequoia but I don't have a hiking partner AND.... gas in my car (wait for it....) costs money.
Money is not a big deal until you don't have it. And I for one- don't have it.
I have some income- I'm blessed with working on some marketing stuff online. Which is great and gives me the ability to pay off some of my bills but only some of them. The rest- I'm dependent on my fiance. Which is also frustrating.
Three years ago (when I was working full time at a good job with a good salary and hadn't yet met my fiance) I would never have dreamed of giving up my goals for a man. Now that I'm where I am- I wouldn't trade him for a career, but sometimes its hard to see him take steps forward and feel like I'm taking steps back.